How do you spend “quality time” with yourself?
A lot of us tend to overextend ourselves and lose ourselves in other people and activities.
Maybe you’re feeling fried from a super social week. Or your family was staying with you and you finally have your place to yourself again. Whatever the case, you’re craving “me time”.
“Me time” is generally seen as anything you do by yourself. But just spending time alone doesn’t mean it’s quality.
Doom-scrolling alone in your bed is not quality time with yourself.
But what about treating yourself to a meal by yourself? Or getting your hair/nails done? Or hiking out in nature? Or working out? Surely those are considered quality time with oneself, right?
It depends.
Don’t get me wrong, those are wonderful ways to enjoy the pleasures of life. And sometimes they give you an excuse to get away from distractions so that you can finally be with yourself.
But pleasures are not the same as spending quality time with yourself.
Most of what we do as “me time” are really just more distractions from being with ourselves.
I believe that spending quality time with yourself must include these two things:
- Being curious, kind, and caring towards yourself.
- Focusing inward on your internal experience.
If you’re missing either of these, you’re not spending quality time with yourself.
Think of it this way: It’s like you live with a perpetual roommate: You. Neither of you can ever move out. And you will live together—all up in each other’s shit—forever.
How do you treat this roommate?
Do you get pissed off at them and yell at them for being messy or lazy? Do you argue with them about petty things? Do you think they’re really boring? Do you hate the worries and issues they always seem to bring up and wish they’d just shut it? Do you try to ignore them as much as possible by filling your mind with distractions or other people’s problems?
If you’re one of those people who “just can’t stand being alone”, it’s very likely because you are treating yourself very poorly.
Spending quality time with yourself means treating yourself like you would a good friend.
Ask yourself stuff that you would ask a friend, and truly listen to and care about what you say back.
“How are you, friend? Tell me all about what you’ve been up to!” “Is everything OK? You seem kinda down. What’s been bothering you lately?” “I’m concerned about you. What do you need, and how can I help?”
Yes, I mean literally have a conversation with yourself. You can talk to yourself silently, you can talk out loud, or you can write it out in a journal.
No, you’re not crazy. We’re all talking to ourselves all the time already. But mostly what we say is repetitive, negative, and prompted by outside stimuli.
Instead, have a real, respectful, engaged conversation with yourself. You’ll be surprised how natural it feels.
Which brings me to my next point: Your focus must be inward for it to count as quality time with yourself.
That means directing your attention inside yourself: Your mind, your heart, your body, your soul. It helps to close your eyes.
Imagine your attention is a flashlight. Shine it inside of you. Explore your inner home. Go into those rooms you haven’t entered in a while. Brush aside those cobwebs. Take stock of what’s in those closets. Check for mold.
Face yourself plainly and without fear. Care about what you see even if you don’t like it. Because that is you. Be with it.
It’s easiest to do this as a meditation. Simply close your eyes and go inside.
But even if you’re doing something active, like jogging, you can still tune into yourself. Get curious. Be interested in how your body, heart and mind are responding to the experience. And don’t forget to be kind to whatever you find.
Quality time with yourself means raising the quality of the time you spend with yourself.
Not only do you get to know yourself more, you also start to like yourself better.
If you want to understand stuff like who you really are, the kind of work you should be doing, what your purpose is, what you’re passionate about—all of those big, important questions, it starts with your ability to spend quality time with yourself.
My favorite quality time activity is journaling. If you’re curious to try it, check out my article about how to get started which includes some of my favorite journaling prompts and exercises.
Hi, I’m Eddie. I work with burned out overachievers. If you’ve been feeling burned out or directionless in life and would like someone to talk through your challenges with, reach out anytime. Sometimes a single conversation can help.
